I was ready to dismiss Antonella Barba as just another wannabe semi-talented B-lister desperately hanging on to her 15 minutes of fame. But then I found out that she recently graduated from the Catholic University of America. Muahahaha... veeeerrrryyyy eeeentereeesssting!

You see, Catholic girls, unlike your average college coed sluts, really want to be good. But they face the difficult task of reconciling their images of virginal purity with their sinful natures. They struggle against the carnal lust that they feel in their bosoms. And so, these feelings build up, until every weekend, the urges prove too powerful, and must be released.

It's a terrible cycle; one that needs to be broken. Humans are beautiful creatures made in God's image, and sex is a natural process we were all meant to share and enjoy. So Antonella, if you are listening, we here at Lyncmob want you to know that we understand your plight and we feel your pain.

We can help you - and all of your friends - experience these strange and wonderful feelings that you are just now learning to deal with in a kind and loving way. We are here for you. Give us a call.

The Hustle